Does Giving Birth Hurt?
February 5, 2010
I have a big favor to ask of all of you parents out there. Will you help me answer the question I was asked a few months ago? I have a pregnant friend who asked me a simple enough question: ”Does childbirth hurt?” But I was honestly stumped. I didn’t know how to answer; believe it or not, this is one question I have never been asked and never even thought about all that much.
I kept promising my friend that I would give her a response, but I wanted to form a thoughtful, honest, personal response. But, I got so caught up in how this question should be answered that I haven’t yet answered it. I thought about what I should say in order to calm her fears, in order to empower her, in order to set the record straight for myself, in order to be a good mom, in order to be a good feminist, in order to be a good friend. But I still haven’t answered her question.
I read what other people say in response to that question. Like Gisele and other celebrity moms, if you wanna call them people. I read what pregnancy Bibles had to say about the matter. I re-read childbirth scenes from novels, like my favorite in Tracks by Louise Erdrich. But I still didn’t answer her question.
Now a few months later, she is in her third trimester and closer than ever to giving birth and answering her own question, and I still haven’t answered that damn question.
Until now. My answer is in the comment section, but I still need your help. I’m endlessly afraid that my answer isn’t sufficient, so if you don’t mind doing me and my pregnant friend a favor by leaving us an answer in the comment section??? We would be forever grateful 
XOXO,
Spring & Pregnant Friend
February 5, 2010 at 9:31 am
Dear pregnant friend,
You asked me if giving birth hurt. And here’s my answer, and hopefully lots of other answers from women probably way more qualified than me to answer such a question. I wanted you to get a more complete and fair answer from the large, large community of people who have experienced childbirth instead of just from me. Let’s face it: I’m afraid I have a cynical view of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting in general. Unfairly cynical. At any rate, here’s my answer.
I honestly don’t remember experiencing that much pain once the drugs took hold. Before the drugs, however, the contractions hurt like severe menstrual cramps that lasted for about 6 hours. Then, after I got an initial shot of Demerol, I actually remember feeling like I was floating on clouds for a moment, and I went to sleep for about an hour
. You see, I hadn’t had a drink or a smoke or a drug of any kind for 9 months, so the Demerol was seriously heavenly. Oh wait, I was only 20, so I had never had a drink of anything alcoholic ever in my entire existence. I forgot.
The whole childbirth experience was a combination of ridiculous and funny, for me. I mean, I was barely out of my teens, so I felt like a kid pretending to be an adult (and I still do feel this way). I felt like everybody was staring at me, and I felt like an alien had taken over my body, and I felt like I was trapped in a movie about a young mother. If I could describe the experience of childbirth in just 1 word, it would be “awkward”.
The very last word I would use to describe the experience would be “beautiful”.
I remember feeling very self-conscious and un-prepared and ungraceful. LIKE AN AMIMAL. Like a cow or a squirrel or a beluga whale. Cause really, that’s all we are, I think. Animals who imagine they can control their lives. Well, childbirth reminds you that you can’t control your life or your body. It’s scary. It’s weird. It’s gross anatomy meets mind-boggling biological phenomenon meets emotional roller-coaster meets socially and politically implicated act meets personal history. And all of this can mean physical, mental, emotional pain.
But, honestly, I don’t think the pain (which, yes, is part of it) is all that bad. Some people say that you forget the pain and discomfort because the process results in a beautiful baby to love always and forever. And that’s nice. But I think you do remember the pain, but in perspective, the pain is just one small part of the big, big, big picture. The more I think about it, actually, maybe it is kind of beautiful. Kind of. In a complicated way.
I love you, and I feel for you, and I know you’re nervous (in fact, the anxiety building up to the childbirth event could be a whole other topic for discussion and probably a whole other book). But seriously my little mama lion, YOU CAN DO IT! GRRRRRRRRRR!
Spring
February 5, 2010 at 10:41 am
Hell yes it hurts!!! It hurts like no other hurt; although, there ARE worse hurts. I went through 2 pregnancies and subsequent deliveries a la natural — NO PAIN MEDS — and survived, gaving birth to two healthy, beautiful children. The no pain med thing was not my choice, I just want to make that clear. I asked for everything I could think of, but I had certain complications with the first delivery that prohibited the use of epidurals, pain meds, etc… That supremely sucked.
Second delivery was a bit easier, but nonetheless still uncomfortable and painful. In the midst of all that pain, I remember telling the anesthesiologist “F*** YOU!!!” when he promised me that I’d be next for some sort of pain relief (either epidural, meds, or a nice knock on the head.) I never got that relief because shortly after that visit from the f’ing anesthesiologist, I delivered my beautiful Ariel.
But know this: Your body betrays you — you revert to a more primal level — it’s like nothing else you will ever do. It’s so worth it, but you won’t think that at the time.
Pain meds and epidurals work really well for some people. I talked on the phone with one friend when she was in late labor — she felt nothing after the epi. Me? I wasn’t one of those, mainly because of certain pre-existing ‘conditions.’
One word of advice: talk to your doctor about pain management BEFORE the blessed event. Have a back up plan … like LaMaze or other ‘breathing’ techniques. They do help (a little or a lot depending upon the individual.) It’s going to hurt like a bee-atch, but it’s worth it.
February 5, 2010 at 11:26 am
Thank you, Spring, with my eyes welling. It’s entirely possible that I’m more nervous (no, SCARED SHITLESS) about pain than The Pregnant Friend. Three and a half years ago I promised her family and our friends and a nonexistent god that I would do my best to keep her healthy and happy and safe. The prospect of her being in what is often described and portrayed as horrific, insurmountable, intolerable pain — even though logically, I know pain is natural and to be expected and well-understood and can be managed — has me knotted up. Sure, we learned the relaxation methods and massages and distractions to help her through it, and throughout this pregnancy I have focused almost entirely on helping HER be safe and healthy. Wife first, fetus second. So when people say that “oh the pain just means Baby is coming” and “it’s all worth it in the end, because you have a new beautiful child” doesn’t cut it for me — my response is “fuck the baby, what about my wife???”
I can’t help but anticipate pulling my hair out in frustration from my own helplessness when I see my lover and life companion in this suffering desperate state. It’ll be a whole lot of scariness that cannot be “fixed” with logic and reasoning and needlenose pliers, leaving me feeling bound and chained. I got my “preview” of this when she was initially in the hospital last summer.
Reading accounts from faceless authors and ugly celebrities haven’t eased my mind any, simply because I don’t know these people. They’re not telling me personally. You’re the first peer and friend the who’s shared a story with me (well, you shared it with The Pregnant Friend, but I think I count too, right?), and THAT is what helps me. So, although it isn’t necessarily me you’re giving the help and advice to, thank you, thank you, thank you.
February 5, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Does giving birth hurt? I think it’s a little different for everyone, and depends on the woman’s perceptions of pain and the position the baby is in (I’m a nurse and while I don’t work in LD, I’ve been privileged to attend more than 50 births). Often it seems as though the more fear the mom has, the more likely it is she will experience unbearable pain.
As far as my own births go, I did not have an epidural with either, mostly because I didn’t want a needle stuck in my back, but also because I wanted to avoid a forceps delivery.
With my first child, I was given a pitocin drip that makes labor pains harder (and makes the baby come faster), and yes, that hurt. I had to have demerol because the intensified labor pains felt like that scene from Alien where the beast pops out of the guy. The demerol did not feel good to me and depressed the baby’s heart beat, so the pitocin dose was upped and they gave me still more demerol. Turns out the MD had a golf game scheduled, thus the pitocin. This guy also gave me an episiotomy against my will AND stitched me up too tight. That also hurt, and hurt for a couple of years afterwards any time I had sex.
With my second child, I had a doctor who actually followed my birth plan. I had no drugs during my 8 hour labor except for an injection to numb the birth canal just before the baby was born. The pain was more like the kind you’d feel if you were exercising really hard or running a marathon — a good pain, an “I’m working very hard here” pain, and the breathing they teach you in lamaze was sufficient to control it. As the baby was being born, I had a couple of vaginal tears (which I actually did not feel, and healed much more quickly than the episiotomy and once healed were no longer painful). Even better, I was up walking around that evening after giving birth at noon, and felt full of energy.
My advice? Take the lamaze classes. Make sure your doctor is on board with what you want and is not a creepy tool of the patriarchy. Avoid the episiotomy as they will usually cut through muscle for this and it will be painful for some time and takes longer to heal than a tear will. If for some reason, you MUST have pitocin, get an epidural. Avoid demerol if you can as it can be detrimental to your baby.
February 5, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Hey, everybody. Pregnant Friend here. Thanks for all the advice so far. I hope lots of other people say things. It’s really pretty amazing.
These comments (especially from Dear Daniel who finds it much easier to write about things than to say them) are beautiful.
Spring, especially, thank you for your answer. I think you really “got” what I was asking. Of course I know childbirth *hurts* per se, it’s just…hm…
You know me and how irritatingly analytic I can be, so you know I know the science forward and backward, I’ve heard all the horror stories, and the not horror stories, and the medicine, and the options…but I felt like something was missing. Something like *how* does it hurt. And after reading your answer, I think I know what I was asking…without realizing it, I wanted to know about the *emotional* pain of childbirth.
All of this really helps. I’m not afraid of pain, I’m afraid of vulnerability. Nothing makes me feel more vulnerable than not knowing what I’m facing. It’s so scary–you have to do the most emotional thing of your life in a strange place with strange people and everyone you’ve ever met paying attention. Meanwhile, you leave your house one day and when you come back, you’re a mom and a dad and a baby. If I talk about it and ask about it and think about it enough, maybe it will make sense, and if people I admire tell me how they were able to get through it, I can feel less lonely. And why the hell do I feel lonely, anyway?
Pregnancy has been such an awesome lesson in humility. I can’t and shouldn’t do everything for myself. Asking for help is ok. Accepting help can sometimes be as as much an act of friendship as offering it. And letting your partner do things for you isn’t taking advantages of them, it’s *being a partner.*
I don’t really know what to say. Just thanks.
Obviously, this is getting cross posted and I’m sending both people who read This Changes Nothing over here.
February 6, 2010 at 9:46 pm
yes, it hurts, which is why i took the epidural with the third one. take the epidural.
February 8, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Uh, I’m not a parent, but one time I had a poop that hu-urt, and I thought, “I totally would take drugs if I were to have a baby.” Just thought I’d share . . .
February 8, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Courtney wins.
February 9, 2010 at 9:09 am
Dear Soon-to-be-Mom, I understand better your question after reading your response to the great posts above.
//I wanted to know about the *emotional* pain of childbirth//
I am a grandmother now, my ‘baby’ is 34 years old. That many years ago the popular thing was Lamaze and Natural Childbirth. I went through the classes with my husband, and I learned the breathing techniques the exercises and the tips about ice chips and softballs. The ice chips were for my dry mouth and softballs placed in the toes of a sock were to releave the pain in my lower back. All of that was forgotten when I started hard labor.
My husband was working graveyard shift loading trucks in Big D. So when light labor pains started one evening my mother came to spend the night. We stayed up most of the night timing contractions (which felt like a charlie horse in your abdomen) and measuring the new stretch mark I was getting from the baby dropping so fast. Which felt alot like a cigarette had dropped on my stomach. In between contractions we sewed a brand new robe for me to wear in the hospital. We laughed and talked for hours as we sewed. I learned alot of things about my parents that night. My labor entitling me to some right of passage I suppose. Finally, came time to go to the doctor’s office the next morning.
I was not far enough into labor to go to the hospital yet. My mother took me to her house. When my husband got off work he came straight over there to sleep while we waited…and waited…and waited. No eating anything. The contractions had been spuratic all night and were still not timing in any kind of pattern. All day we waited. At about 3 o’clock it was time for my little sister to get out of school. The school was about 4 blocks away. I decided to walk to meet her, I can’t remember who walked with me. But I walked it.
Shortly after the walk the contractions were exactly 5 minutes apart. We loaded up, my husband, my mother and me and had no trouble getting to the hospital. We were laughing because my croggy husband had put a ‘y’ and a question mark at the end of my name when he was told I was having the baby.
The nurse broke my water for me. I was signed in for Natural Childbirth but there was still talk about epidurals or drugs for the pain. The ‘charlie horses’ were nothing compared to what the contractions felt like now. Severe cramps is the only explanation I can give.
I suppose because I had been dealing with the labor for almost 16 hours the nurse kind of encouraged me to have some Demerol. She said I would still be able to do my breathing but after the drug took affect everything about the labor is mostly a blur. My husband and I did not do our breathing anymore because in between contractions I was asleep. The contraction would come on suddenly and I would try to do the breathing, but after the pain has set in it is difficult to regain your footing with the breathing technique. This went on for about 5 hours.
I awoke breifly from one of my 2 minute naps, to find 4 brothers and sisters of mine standing in the labor room. I felt like s^&^ and the nausua..oh yeah, I didn’t mention the nausua yet. Well, I had quite a time with that and I ordered (uh, screamed) everyone out of the room except my mother.
Then it was time…I was now wide awake as we transferred my body from the bed to the gurney and wheeled me down the hall. I was now not feeling any pain…only excitment and joy. I could not wait to see my baby! I did not know the sex of the baby. The anticipation was simply elating. My husband joined me in the delivery room to take pictures. One more transfer from the gurney to the delivery table, stirrups and draped I was ready. The doctor gave his orders…push…hold it….push…hold it…push hard. And there was my baby boy. My husband clicked pictures of our boy who came out crying. He was a little underweight so they rushed him out asap to an incubater. It was such a relief to see him breathing on his own, he just needed the extra warmth for a little while.
I was wheeled to a recovery room with upteen other women in there, at least I had a curtain. I was so hungry, my stepbrother went and got me a Bonus Jack hamburger and I scarfed it down. I think I lost it all over the place later and the recovery nurse wasn’t too happy. But I was. I felt like a grown up woman now.
The next morning they brought me my baby. He was the most beautiful, most worthwhile thing I had ever done.
That was my experience, pain, emotions and all. All I can say is there is something to that wives tale that your happiness relieves your pain in childbirth. Good luck to you!
February 10, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Yes, it hurts. It is not intolerable though, if it were people wouldn’t have more children. You will be sore afterwards and your body feels kinda beat up, but you will soon forget all that and only remember the happy feelings your baby brings to you. My daughter is almost eight now, and I don’t remember the pain at all (I did have an epidural when I dialated to 8), what I do remember is the first time I saw her face and the first time I heard her cry. Childbirth is not fun, but the result is well worth it. The epidural also helped me get through it